ABSTRACT: At The Fun Lab, we have three really pertinant questions brewing in our question pot. Forgetting the JFK assasination and the "mystery ingredient" in TV's French Stewart, we are left with the sole question: What's the friggin' deal with TV's Regis Philbin?
The Fun Lab has engineered a foolproof scheme for getting down to the bottom of this Philbin character. We can lure him into our lab, and dissect the smelly poo poo bastard with Dr. Cronk's "feel good" pliers. But in order to not disrupt the bustling industry that is American television, we must first find a replacement.
INTRODUCTION: By now, you may have come to ask why we at the Fun Lab haven't taken our rightful places on the television screens of America. Why is it that there is no "Late Night with The Fun Lab?" No "My Three The Fun Lab?" No "The Fun Lab is Enough?" And these are all great questions.
Rest assured: our hard hitting, ear splitting, Hare Krishna miffing comedic science has not gone unnoticed! We repeatedly receive faxes, emails and smoke signals from the respected leaders of America, as well as its sleazy, tabloid-ridden media. David Letterman sent his comedy writers to our Dukakis branch back in '88, and we've caught writers for TV's "Moesha" rooting through our Cronk bin. And, though we take it as a compliment that artists as talented as those on the WB network look to us for inspiration, we've collectively gotten sick of all of this attention.
Damn it, we've got sciencing to do!
SO HOW DOES ONE LURE REGIS PHILBIN INTO THE LAB WITH THE PLIERS?
Frankly, we didn't know where to begin on our quest for Regis Philbin's innards, and found ourselves at a loss as to how we could "lure" him into our "lab." Dr. Cronk suggested that we use Kathy Lee Gifford, but she had already long since been assasinated by members of the leftist group THE TEAMSTER'S UNION. Frankly, we were befuddled.